Bet's Journal v. 5.0

Had a great time at Deppo's yesterday and stayed for about 2-3 hours longer than I planned. The topics of horror and porn are just too much fun. Met a new person for my collection of awesome people, this tends to happen at Deppo's, she has good taste. Speaking of taste. OMG waffles of goodness and so much food and mrrrrr. Happiness. Takk fyrir mig, Deppo!! ♥!

Dreamt I was traveling with mom and we were kind of partying, I guess. I was bitching about how I always just wanted to take off my boobs and she asked why I didn't just go ahead and do it. It wasn't like I cared much about other people's opinion anyway anymore. I told her (what is true really) that I've never had surgery and it'd be so typical if there were complications with something so stupid...

Next dream I was living in one of my childhood homes and uh, apparently I'd had a sex-change or had removed my breasts and that somehow made me grow a dick, a teeny tiny dick. It was still healing and growing and stuff so I was careful with it and a bit weirded out by it and my brother was making fun of me for my reaction to it.

Oh brain. :3

In real life I'm still working in a nursing home, doing laundry. I really enjoy it there, you know, for mindless work and all. The staff is nice (all women, save for the occasional repair man and the sometimes-there chef). I'm all alone in the basement most of the time, just washing and folding while listening to audio books. Currently listening to The Strain and wanting to edit out some of the simile the book is overflowing with like too many flowers at a banquet. Pretty damn good though, bringing vampires back to their disgusting place instead of being romantic and glittery. Plus Ron Perlman's voice is just awesome!

When not listening to the books I regularly get the My Machines Guy from Scrubs in my head. Since I'm the hermit in the basement and all. MY MACHINES! I wonder for how long I'd have to work there to really snap like that! :3 I don't think I'll stay long enough for that so there's no cause for worry. The woman I'm covering for comes back at the end of August and then it's back to school for me! :)

I think at least a small group of people with gender dysphoria are girls like me. I won't speak for the boys since I don't really know much about their world experience but I can speak for the girls. Bisexual, even heterosexual girls who get lost in the gender binary, not necessarily because they are masculine or would function better as men, but because they don't associate with the heteronormativity. They refuse the gender stereotypes, all of them, the "normal" heterosexual lifestyle, the way media shows them how to behave, how to be submissive, even when they're tough, how to bitch at their friends about the evils of men when they get rejected, how they have to handle the average heterosexual man, playing by some rules to not rock the boat. All those things are still going on despite the fact it's been years since the feminist movement started. Look at adverts, romantic comedies, sitcoms. There are rules and I see them whenever I accidentally stumble into the heterosexual groups I'm somehow still connected to.

I had severe gender issues until I had a breakdown and started taking medication. I didn't really want to be a man, but I sure as hell didn't want to be a woman either. I've come to accept being a woman because I realized that being a woman didn't have to mean playing by 'their' rules. I just remember glorifying homosexual relationships because it was two men and I'm still more comfortable with writing and reading gay romance/erotica/porn because two (or more) men stand on an even ground and any imbalance of power doesn't carry with it the negative politics and worries that crop up as soon as there's a woman present.

I always kind of failed at being with heterosexual men. I didn't like playing by the rules, even the simplest ones made me feel ridiculous like playing coy and helpless. Can you help me get out of this dress? ...How the hell would I get out of it if you hadn't come home with me? Oh, that's right, I'd just reach back here and god damn unzip it myself, how about that. To be desirable, women play helpless and the media encourages this. I watched a fantastic documentary that you can watch for free online (albeit with a giant "PREVIEW" watermark over the whole screen but it's worth it). It's called the Codes of Gender and it analyzes and explains just what happened in advertisement and how women and men are displayed in the media. Also, how it was really a planned thing by one man... You can watch it here

In case you don't want to hunt this down and watch it, here are a few examples:

# When a woman is shown holding something, she never holds it fully. She barely touches it, just lightly rests her fingers against it in an "elegant" way. A man 'holds' things, he controls his environment.

# A woman is usually posed in submissive poses or off kilter. Balancing on one leg while fixing her heel, lying down, crawling. A man stands up straight, usually facing the camera.

# A woman arches her neck in a vulnerable way, almost in an inviting way as if to display herself as prey. A man usually poses with his head lowered, looking up like a predator.

# A woman is often infantilized, dressed like a little girl, sucking on her thumb or with her fingers near her mouth in a way that suggests thumbsucking. Women and little girls are often shown together wearing the same kind of clothes. There is however always a difference between a man and a boy. You become a man but a woman is always a girl.

# A woman is often shown displaying emotion but it's always exaggerated, like she can't control herself. Look at any catalogue and you'll find a woman laughing in an almost hysterical manner, mouth open wide, maybe covering her mouth partially, out of control as if to suggest a woman can not have any control. A man is always in control of his emotions.

I was stunned when I watched this documentary. Even when I began protesting that no, there are plenty of adverts that do this with men too, they had an answer to that. Yes, men have begun being diplayed in adverts lying down and almost feminized but there are reasons for it and the target audience is still men.

What do these things tell us? What kind of ideas do they plant in our heads? How do they shape our self perception? I saw so many things in that documentary that made me go, "So THAT is why this particular thing rubbed me the wrong way!" or "Oh so I was RIGHT to feel mad, even when I didn't really know what I felt mad about!"

I gained weight when I had my breakdown and at first, I did it on purpose. It drove me up the wall how I was treated when I was thin and pretty because I'd regularly run into people who somehow felt like they had some sort of ownership over me just because they found me desirable. If they didn't give me that creepy treatment, they were literally hostile toward me because I didn't behave as a young girl should. Is it any wonder that I wanted to be a boy and be loved as a boy would be loved? Note that I never wanted to be a man, I didn't like how men were supposed to be either.

I think these are among the reasons that are the root of why gender dysphoria is on the rise. I don't know how many girls I've met on the internet who are single or in semi-asexual relationships with other girls, writing gay fiction, not wanting a relationship with men even if some of them would by sexual definition be defined as heterosexual. The heteronormative has more victims than just homosexuals and transsexuals. Every heterosexual person who doesn't fit the mold gets swept aside as well. Or more accurately, sweeps themself aside to avoid the harrassment that comes with moving in the straight world.

I've never felt I fitted into any of those molds. I sometimes even doubt that I'm as pansexual as I say I am because I don't have that rawr-lust toward the female body as I do the male body. I know I AM but thinking back on when I was trying to fit in with the gay crowd, I couldn't. Maybe it was just because I've always been dysfunctional sexually, messed up and damaged but I didn't fit in with the lesbians either. Not until I met my 'dykes' anyway, but they're freakin weird as well.

Another thing? If it wasn't for a few wonderful people I know, I'd be so fed up with the whole transsexual issue. I've met so many people whose whole demeanor makes them seem like their sexual identity is more like a fetish. Like they should stick to crossdressing for kicks instead of claiming to be another gender. Hyper-feminine MTFs who behave nothing like any girl I've ever met, no matter how much of a princess. Butch little FTMs who seem more like slashers gone too far. It's sometimes easy for me to see why people roll their eyes at gender dysphoria and call it a psychological disease, if those are the only people they ever see. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying those people don't have the right to do whatever they want with their bodies as well, but at the same time it was a breath of fresh air to meet people who genuinely felt like they really were born with their bodies the wrong way. People I could never really think of as anything but their gender which really doesn't match their biological sex.

It just makes me sad that I think - actually I feel like I KNOW for sure - that so many people are going through these changes and living a certain livestyle because of these boxes society puts us in. I don't want to be loved as girls are loved, I don't want to gossip to my 'girlfriends' about men being assholes and how they can't discuss their feelings and how they are just like kids that need taking care of etc etc etc. I don't buy into it and I always feel a little sick to my stomach when I stumble into the heterosexual world. I don't belong there and yet men turn me on. I guess it's a good thing I'm happy being single.

This is rambly and maybe a bit incoherent, I just wanted to get my thoughts down before going to sleep... :3

It's a flammable material too so... if you're offended, please read more carefully. I don't think I'm being offensive and if I am it's by total accident and because I didn't finish a thought somewhere... It's five in the morning! But yeah, if you're offended, just comment and ask me about it and I'll happily talk to you about it. And stuff. Thingeys.

and wow look at that, an actual update! Love you guys, thanks for not dumping me for never updating xxxx

I've been so bad at writing that I haven't been able to so much as update my lj or write a proper e-mail. Understandably my nano is at a stillpoint at 1770, a wordcount I got in two days before jumping ship in a frenzied panic attack inspired by writing alone. Well, it was more of an apathetic shrug than anything but being dramatic is fun.

I was convinced that my birthday was on Friday, Friday the 13th to be exact but alas, it's on a Saturday. This disappoints me for silly reasons.

this is me, if you replace "recurrent" with "constant".

I had a weird dream where I was with a small group of people trying to save gay pride. All the flags and acts were up in the sky and we were half way down the street already, trying to make it all go smoothly. One of the 'floats' we had to hold onto was coming apart and I couldn't fix it which meant I was getting toothpicks sticking into my hands as I tried to hold it together. We were all bleeding and it was ouchie. I also kept thinking, this can't be sanitary...


The Walking Dead is awesome so far! And I'm a huge, huge, huge fan of Lost Girl (KENZI ♥ ♥ ♥ yes I'm predictable, she is like Chiana).

Both our car and mom's car went plaff last week. Mom's is fixed, Gunnar is working on ours. Broken window in the back thanks to a minor mishap and a flat tire which seems to have totally burst or something. Joy.

I had pizza today with Tobba and rambled at her about horror (sorry Tobba ♥) between discussing anthropology and the power of the brain (aren't we academic? Ho yeah!) and a variety of political and non-political matters.

My sleep is stupid. I sleep every other day for 4 hours at a time, it seems. My eyes are tired, I'm not. I'm almost 32 and I need to lose weight, my stomach hurts and I know it's my skin condition that's fucking me up but I'm getting really phobic about internal things.

The rabbits have decided the sofa is awesome. I need to be extra diligent about cords now. Boo doesn't hop up there. I don't know if it's disinterest or his gimp leg that prevents him from doing it because he used to jump up on my bed once, gimp leg and all. He's the cutest thing ever.

I feel detached from roleplay and writing which makes me grumpy. It's the one thing I have passion for anymore and I'm clinging to the hope FACT that it's temporary and has happened before.

Disjointed is how I work right now so this journal entry doesn't have to make sense.

Paradise Lost is annoying. I like the story but
The whole starting each line with a capital letter
Regardless of punctuation is making my head
Hurt. Why, mister Milton? Why must you write
In this fashion that gives me brain explodeys?

I'm doing okay at school. I'm a little behind but have every intention of succeeding at my classes regardless. What a difference actual studying makes... Though god damn the UK government history is out of wack. Also: Syntax is insane.

( Cut for whining of epic proportions )

To sum up. This day sucked. I am broke, bills pile up, Boo is sick, car needs repairs, I'm emotionally drained.

I had a weird dream as I was waking up. November 16th. Hug the one you care about. My grandparents' old house had been trashed, broken mirrors and furniture everywhere. Get something from mom's pocket. It felt like I had to remember all that.

If I had a boyfriend, I'd so give this to him And then call myself Medusa and threaten to petrify him - though I doubt it'd be very threatening! :D

Beautifully Freudian.

Since I'm here I feel like I should update but I just have nothing happy fun to say so it'll have to wait until May. Or June.

( oh well )

Skip the lj-cut stuff, seriously. No fun in there :D

But seriously, those boxers! Who wants to be my boyfriend so I can make bad kraken jokes about them? Sam Worthington lookalikes more than welcome to apply! Must like fat girls and rabbits and not mind how insanely messed up I am and slobby and ... emotional unstable.

Benefits include Kraken boxers, cake and awesome sense of humor!

Will I ever be as brave as Mark Carwardine and hold a live one? Will I even get the chance to? It's the first one I've seen since I got here. Oh well, I can handle a dead one for now!

For your information, that's a Weta. It's not a giant Weta, just a normal one. They're interesting critters, fascinating and if you don't have one crawling ON you, quite cool looking! Just like the Huhu Beetle, it's a creature I can get along with great as long as there's glass between us.

Jesse found one of those in his overalls when going to work. Something was scratching his neck and he thought it was the label... but noooo. I'm not even going to try to imagine that, no sir! This is why I shake out my clothes and stuff before putting them on.

Uneventful day. Yesterday was so cold that Elwyn put a heated pillow in my bed (covered in bees! So cute). Today was mellow again, warm. The wedding is just a few days away and Elwyn's been busy planning things. I'm planning on dragging Jesse to town with me tomorrow to get some postcards for grandma. Maybe a cute book to put my travel stuff in like Elwyn suggested. Should write that down! Oh yes.

I slept way too long today, now that the high of new stuff omg is wearing off a little I need to start actively battling the depression monster. I'm not sad at all though, just... Like to sleep and hide.

Bweeee I am in New Zealand! I just met my sister for the first time in 18 years last night and it was so great! I will make a proper update soon when I have access to my laptop and feel chill enough to do so. Let the record show I hadn't seen my brothers and dad for a few years either and Elwyn, dad's wife, I hadn't seen in 18 years either. and it's so pretty here! Gyah. *happy*


For now though, Giant pictures. I don't care if they're huge, if you can't view huge pictures, do not click this link!!

( piiiiictures )

All of these were taken by Janet Hunt, Elwyn's sister. She's an amazing photgrapher :D

I must confess that I am nostalgic and retroactively narcissistic. I look at my old photos and go, "Oh my God, I'm beautiful. I'd do me!" Back then. Back then...

So there begins my journal entry since I figured that if I can write a make-believe journal entry for my darling Rose (Character in Convergence) I can get my lazy ass to write one for myself, am I right? The last few weeks have sincerely sucked. Sincerely.

Where do I even start? How about seven weeks of flu? That's a good beginning.

Seven. Fucking. Weeks. it started with weird migraines, moved over to swelling in my ears and then coughing and coughing and cold sweat and coughing and sleep, never ending sleep. I finally started getting better after four weeks or something but got stuck on that last stage of "I'm still sick, I can't shake it but I'm feeling mostly okay, I guess": In the last couple of weeks I've been rocking back and forth between feeling okay'ish-I-guess to coughing like crazy. Today there was a storm in my ears, it was... interesting.

While I was really sick I did nothing for school and right now it's a mad dash to absorb everything and try to memorize everything and it's crazy. Worse yet, I keep falling asleep everywhere at any time, doing whatever. I found a way to keep awake through lectures though. I downloaded the first game of Spyro the Dragon and it's mindless enough that I can study AND play.

Unfortunately I've finished all the mindless stages and have entered the OMG-FRUSTRATION stages of super charge, flight, jumps and crazy stunts so it's not quite as productive. I'll need to get another Spyro game if I want to pass the finals, me thinks. I think that has to be the most awesome sentence I've ever written in this journal.

I also managed to almost set fire to laundry. We have an American washing machine which doesn't boil laundry and I don't like chlorine. So mom suggested BOIL IT IN A POT! She used to do that and all. So, I'm sick remember? This was when I was still more sick and easily cold and whatnot. So I put stuff in a pot, luckily I have no big pots so there wasn't much stuff, just some rags and unmentionables. This is where you cover your mouths and giggle at the thought. I open the balcony door because it tends not to smell too awesome and because it's freezing out, I go under my comforter on the couch and plan to browse online while I wait. Next thing I know, I'm waking up to the smoke detector and there's so much smoke! UGH. It was vile.

The bunnies are unimpressed, my brother was asleep too so all I can think is, if we didn't have a smoke detector, we'd be screwed! I did not feel particularly smart and the apartment smelled bad for at least a day and a night. Thankfully I still had the awesome vanilla scented candle mom gave me - it saved my sanity a little.

And then there are my shows. I'm so close to just ditching Supernatural. Hell I felt tempted to sell the first three seasons I have purchased on DVD. They need to stop insulting their fans. How can they not see that insulting your fans and poking fun of them is a really fucking lame thing to do. The show is so full of racism, sexism and homophobia that sometimes I have to wonder just why I'm still watching. It's not even because Jensen is so full of pretty that it saves the show anymore. I've gotten tired of him and the show does all it can to show the boys to us in bad light.

One episode it's all: Goofy ;D The next it's all: Broody :|
Yet another episode and suddenly everyone is talking with wannabe Darth Vader voices. To quote Victor Borge ♥ "How low can a man get!"

The highlights of my last 7 weeks of flu season were that my birthday was awesome. My friend Tobba came over and cooked for us as well as bringing the most delicious chocolate cake in the whole world. Seriously, that stuff is like heroin, only tasty and doesn't kill you. It does turn you into an unrestrained beast, however, snarling and hungry for more.

Mom came over when I was at my sickest. It's always nice to have mommy around when you're sick and mine just happens to be fun too. So we watched Glee together and The Boat that Rocked. I gobbled down anti bacterial stuff for two weeks which pretty much did nothing and slept. A lot.

I watched a movie the other night, Ink, and fell in love with it half way through. Up until then I wasn't that impressed but the concept and the whole motive just really touched on a part of me that few things get to. The same spot The Grey Gentlemen touched on. Plus it's about dream worlds, it could have sucked and I still would have loved it. I've watched it twice now... Three times if you count the time I watched it with the sound off to get screencaps for twee_icons.

There's no news of the bunnies. They're still cute as hell, flopping around and Broddi's been binkying like crazy lately. I just feel compelled to give them a mention since not a day goes by without a "Psst, look at the bunnies! Awwwwwwww".

Ugh, I need to update more often to avoid this lengthy ramble! Later, folks. Later.

I had completely given up hope of the rabbits ever getting along - all three of them. I let them out separately to play, Boo and Pip together, Broddi alone. It seems like their play time apart still helped, they got used to each others' scent, could sniff and communicate through the bars and now? They're all together! I'm amazed and happy as can be. So much less hassle and Broddi is no longer alone! :D

Other news... Uni is overwhelming, tests in two weeks and I'm pretty much lost.

Tonight I went to say goodbye to deppo, she's moving to England and will be sorely missed. Had a lovely time, even if I realized that chocolate cake is both expensive and makes me sleepy. No more of that, until next time I've forgotten.

7am, still awake. Lunatic!

It has caught my attention that I'm very bad at maintaining more than one journal since I'm very bad at maintaining just the one. So what's new?

I drove my friend to the airport and it turned into quite the adventure as her passport had decided not to join us. The result was that we drove a lot more than originally intended, I borrowed all seasons of Buffy and Avatar and she spent the night at my place. It was really fun, instead of being a pesky and tiring experience. We realized that visiting like that is something we should do more often. We're both internet junkies so we can enjoy each other's company even if we're both hunched over a computer. But alas, she has left me for England and won't be home for months.

I graduated this weekend from the University-bridge which means this autumn I will starting my very own university adventures. I've decided to be smart about it and take it all in distance learning, given how sick I tend to get in the middle of winter. I must remember to drag my butt out tomorrow to send them my diploma, as well as take care of other things like financial support and whatnot.

I wrote a story, well not really a story. I don't know what to call it. I was writing up a history file for a new character and ended up writing 3000 words for one event.
You can read it here if you're curious. It's basically an evening in the life of an earth elemental who doesn't know he has that affinity with earth. One night he kills a man.

This is the guy's character sheet.
I think I'll always be insecure about writing anything that isn't roleplay and that ...whatever it is, reads like a very, very long roleplay intro scene in my head. But, I guess I can comfort myself with the fact that it is at the very least better than Smeyer...

It's a little early to be counting the days until I go to New Zealand but it's tempting to start. January 20th. Maybe I'll start at my birthday instead, seems more logical.