bet: (nikolicious)
I think at least a small group of people with gender dysphoria are girls like me. I won't speak for the boys since I don't really know much about their world experience but I can speak for the girls. Bisexual, even heterosexual girls who get lost in the gender binary, not necessarily because they are masculine or would function better as men, but because they don't associate with the heteronormativity. They refuse the gender stereotypes, all of them, the "normal" heterosexual lifestyle, the way media shows them how to behave, how to be submissive, even when they're tough, how to bitch at their friends about the evils of men when they get rejected, how they have to handle the average heterosexual man, playing by some rules to not rock the boat. All those things are still going on despite the fact it's been years since the feminist movement started. Look at adverts, romantic comedies, sitcoms. There are rules and I see them whenever I accidentally stumble into the heterosexual groups I'm somehow still connected to.

I had severe gender issues until I had a breakdown and started taking medication. I didn't really want to be a man, but I sure as hell didn't want to be a woman either. I've come to accept being a woman because I realized that being a woman didn't have to mean playing by 'their' rules. I just remember glorifying homosexual relationships because it was two men and I'm still more comfortable with writing and reading gay romance/erotica/porn because two (or more) men stand on an even ground and any imbalance of power doesn't carry with it the negative politics and worries that crop up as soon as there's a woman present.

I always kind of failed at being with heterosexual men. I didn't like playing by the rules, even the simplest ones made me feel ridiculous like playing coy and helpless. Can you help me get out of this dress? ...How the hell would I get out of it if you hadn't come home with me? Oh, that's right, I'd just reach back here and god damn unzip it myself, how about that. To be desirable, women play helpless and the media encourages this. I watched a fantastic documentary that you can watch for free online (albeit with a giant "PREVIEW" watermark over the whole screen but it's worth it). It's called the Codes of Gender and it analyzes and explains just what happened in advertisement and how women and men are displayed in the media. Also, how it was really a planned thing by one man... You can watch it here

In case you don't want to hunt this down and watch it, here are a few examples:

# When a woman is shown holding something, she never holds it fully. She barely touches it, just lightly rests her fingers against it in an "elegant" way. A man 'holds' things, he controls his environment.

# A woman is usually posed in submissive poses or off kilter. Balancing on one leg while fixing her heel, lying down, crawling. A man stands up straight, usually facing the camera.

# A woman arches her neck in a vulnerable way, almost in an inviting way as if to display herself as prey. A man usually poses with his head lowered, looking up like a predator.

# A woman is often infantilized, dressed like a little girl, sucking on her thumb or with her fingers near her mouth in a way that suggests thumbsucking. Women and little girls are often shown together wearing the same kind of clothes. There is however always a difference between a man and a boy. You become a man but a woman is always a girl.

# A woman is often shown displaying emotion but it's always exaggerated, like she can't control herself. Look at any catalogue and you'll find a woman laughing in an almost hysterical manner, mouth open wide, maybe covering her mouth partially, out of control as if to suggest a woman can not have any control. A man is always in control of his emotions.

I was stunned when I watched this documentary. Even when I began protesting that no, there are plenty of adverts that do this with men too, they had an answer to that. Yes, men have begun being diplayed in adverts lying down and almost feminized but there are reasons for it and the target audience is still men.

What do these things tell us? What kind of ideas do they plant in our heads? How do they shape our self perception? I saw so many things in that documentary that made me go, "So THAT is why this particular thing rubbed me the wrong way!" or "Oh so I was RIGHT to feel mad, even when I didn't really know what I felt mad about!"

I gained weight when I had my breakdown and at first, I did it on purpose. It drove me up the wall how I was treated when I was thin and pretty because I'd regularly run into people who somehow felt like they had some sort of ownership over me just because they found me desirable. If they didn't give me that creepy treatment, they were literally hostile toward me because I didn't behave as a young girl should. Is it any wonder that I wanted to be a boy and be loved as a boy would be loved? Note that I never wanted to be a man, I didn't like how men were supposed to be either.

I think these are among the reasons that are the root of why gender dysphoria is on the rise. I don't know how many girls I've met on the internet who are single or in semi-asexual relationships with other girls, writing gay fiction, not wanting a relationship with men even if some of them would by sexual definition be defined as heterosexual. The heteronormative has more victims than just homosexuals and transsexuals. Every heterosexual person who doesn't fit the mold gets swept aside as well. Or more accurately, sweeps themself aside to avoid the harrassment that comes with moving in the straight world.

I've never felt I fitted into any of those molds. I sometimes even doubt that I'm as pansexual as I say I am because I don't have that rawr-lust toward the female body as I do the male body. I know I AM but thinking back on when I was trying to fit in with the gay crowd, I couldn't. Maybe it was just because I've always been dysfunctional sexually, messed up and damaged but I didn't fit in with the lesbians either. Not until I met my 'dykes' anyway, but they're freakin weird as well.

Another thing? If it wasn't for a few wonderful people I know, I'd be so fed up with the whole transsexual issue. I've met so many people whose whole demeanor makes them seem like their sexual identity is more like a fetish. Like they should stick to crossdressing for kicks instead of claiming to be another gender. Hyper-feminine MTFs who behave nothing like any girl I've ever met, no matter how much of a princess. Butch little FTMs who seem more like slashers gone too far. It's sometimes easy for me to see why people roll their eyes at gender dysphoria and call it a psychological disease, if those are the only people they ever see. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying those people don't have the right to do whatever they want with their bodies as well, but at the same time it was a breath of fresh air to meet people who genuinely felt like they really were born with their bodies the wrong way. People I could never really think of as anything but their gender which really doesn't match their biological sex.

It just makes me sad that I think - actually I feel like I KNOW for sure - that so many people are going through these changes and living a certain livestyle because of these boxes society puts us in. I don't want to be loved as girls are loved, I don't want to gossip to my 'girlfriends' about men being assholes and how they can't discuss their feelings and how they are just like kids that need taking care of etc etc etc. I don't buy into it and I always feel a little sick to my stomach when I stumble into the heterosexual world. I don't belong there and yet men turn me on. I guess it's a good thing I'm happy being single.

This is rambly and maybe a bit incoherent, I just wanted to get my thoughts down before going to sleep... :3

It's a flammable material too so... if you're offended, please read more carefully. I don't think I'm being offensive and if I am it's by total accident and because I didn't finish a thought somewhere... It's five in the morning! But yeah, if you're offended, just comment and ask me about it and I'll happily talk to you about it. And stuff. Thingeys.

and wow look at that, an actual update! Love you guys, thanks for not dumping me for never updating xxxx
bet: (Momo)
I've been so bad at writing that I haven't been able to so much as update my lj or write a proper e-mail. Understandably my nano is at a stillpoint at 1770, a wordcount I got in two days before jumping ship in a frenzied panic attack inspired by writing alone. Well, it was more of an apathetic shrug than anything but being dramatic is fun.

I was convinced that my birthday was on Friday, Friday the 13th to be exact but alas, it's on a Saturday. This disappoints me for silly reasons.

this is me, if you replace "recurrent" with "constant".

I had a weird dream where I was with a small group of people trying to save gay pride. All the flags and acts were up in the sky and we were half way down the street already, trying to make it all go smoothly. One of the 'floats' we had to hold onto was coming apart and I couldn't fix it which meant I was getting toothpicks sticking into my hands as I tried to hold it together. We were all bleeding and it was ouchie. I also kept thinking, this can't be sanitary...


The Walking Dead is awesome so far! And I'm a huge, huge, huge fan of Lost Girl (KENZI ♥ ♥ ♥ yes I'm predictable, she is like Chiana).

Both our car and mom's car went plaff last week. Mom's is fixed, Gunnar is working on ours. Broken window in the back thanks to a minor mishap and a flat tire which seems to have totally burst or something. Joy.

I had pizza today with Tobba and rambled at her about horror (sorry Tobba ♥) between discussing anthropology and the power of the brain (aren't we academic? Ho yeah!) and a variety of political and non-political matters.

My sleep is stupid. I sleep every other day for 4 hours at a time, it seems. My eyes are tired, I'm not. I'm almost 32 and I need to lose weight, my stomach hurts and I know it's my skin condition that's fucking me up but I'm getting really phobic about internal things.

The rabbits have decided the sofa is awesome. I need to be extra diligent about cords now. Boo doesn't hop up there. I don't know if it's disinterest or his gimp leg that prevents him from doing it because he used to jump up on my bed once, gimp leg and all. He's the cutest thing ever.

I feel detached from roleplay and writing which makes me grumpy. It's the one thing I have passion for anymore and I'm clinging to the hope FACT that it's temporary and has happened before.

Disjointed is how I work right now so this journal entry doesn't have to make sense.

Paradise Lost is annoying. I like the story but
The whole starting each line with a capital letter
Regardless of punctuation is making my head
Hurt. Why, mister Milton? Why must you write
In this fashion that gives me brain explodeys?

I'm doing okay at school. I'm a little behind but have every intention of succeeding at my classes regardless. What a difference actual studying makes... Though god damn the UK government history is out of wack. Also: Syntax is insane.
bet: (squee // veronica mars)
Cutest thing ever happened today.

So it goes that [livejournal.com profile] kalldoro is moving and I decided to buy a TV table from her. I just had a horrible thing happened when I BROKE my lovely orange older-than-me bowl that I use to make dough in. It was sad and I now only have one bowl that came with my mixer.

So as this JUST happened and I was all wooby about it, I asked her if she needed to get rid of any bowls. Today as I went to fetch the table she gave me a blender (omg thank you!) and a bowl... which is IDENTICAL to my old one!!!

It doesn't take much to make me happy I guess because this made me stupidly happy! There's only one crack mixing, otherwise I could totally pretend it's the same bowl as I grew up with. D'awwww.

Thank you [livejournal.com profile] kalldoro!! :D
bet: (Bunny: Whee! :D)
I had completely given up hope of the rabbits ever getting along - all three of them. I let them out separately to play, Boo and Pip together, Broddi alone. It seems like their play time apart still helped, they got used to each others' scent, could sniff and communicate through the bars and now? They're all together! I'm amazed and happy as can be. So much less hassle and Broddi is no longer alone! :D

Other news... Uni is overwhelming, tests in two weeks and I'm pretty much lost.

Tonight I went to say goodbye to [livejournal.com profile] deppo, she's moving to England and will be sorely missed. Had a lovely time, even if I realized that chocolate cake is both expensive and makes me sleepy. No more of that, until next time I've forgotten.

7am, still awake. Lunatic!
bet: (Zombie Party!)
Man yesterday... It was of the bad.
I've been sleeping really badly (read: Not really sleeping) and dozed off on the sofa for a bit. Then I woke up to a knock on the door and for some reason this really freaked me out. I jumped up off the sofa to run to the door and while doing so, opened my eyes. AS YOU DO.
Next thing I know it felt like someone had stabbed me in the eye. EYE STABBY! So by the time I get to the door I'm both groggy as hell and clutching my eyes (the other hurt because it was too bright apparently). Turns out the knocking person is my friend Tobba who came over because I wasn't answering the phone (It was on silent... did I do that on purpose? Fuck knows). So she's trying to talk to me, I'm incoherent as hell, clutching my eye and flailing. Man that hurt.

Painkillers and a nap made most of the pain go away, it felt better if it was dark so I put a sweater over my head and slept for a couple of hours. Would have loved to sleep for longer but I had to get up and go to Tobba's because we had this presentation to finish. I just finished the power-point part now, by the way. 5 minutes before deadline. Because I'm anal as fuck, even now when I'm having one of the worst bouts of depression I've had in years (I'm not really unhappy as such, I just don't function. At all).

It was fun though, at Tobba's. As usual when we work together (Tobba, me and Elva) we end up talking for four hours and working for one... Yeah, most of the night was spent just rambling and laughing. That did the soul good, for sure. At one in the morning we're going, "Uh, so we should probably do this project here, shouldn't we?" Considering we're supposed to do this presentation *checks watch* Yup, in 2 hours...

Well, four. We decided to show up late and ask if we can leave early. Since all three of us are dysfunctional as hell right now. Seriously, we're the dysfunctional team at school. Tourettes, ADHS, depression, bi-polar...ism? We're the friggin three stooges. I heart them.

Also, people are going to think I'm doing this on purpose. What is it with me and becoming friends with small girls with glasses. Usually girls who have a Mary Poppins syndrome as in they always have everything that may possibly be necessary in any given situation. This time I went home with eyedrops, because Tobba just happened to have some. Cute little girls with glasses, I collect them! I HOARD them!

(...Even most of my online friends seem to display this quality o_o )

Also, I'm using my zombie party icon because... I'm a zombie today. I've been a zombie for a few days now actually and I think... I may be beginning to smell like one too! Time to enjoy the fact that Mr. Plumber showed up yesterday and fixed the tub ♥
bet: (snug // wolves of kromar)
So uh, any reason I'm getting "whee birthday book!" notifier in the mail five times? o_O and not like all at once either so it's not that sort of glitch just. Randomly I'll get that in the mail. Think it's been three days now but I could be wrong. I had to go to my deleted folder and count to be sure. Hello? I already see it in my inbox on here. Wth? *pokes with a sharp stick* Knock it off.

Other than that. AUGH. I really need to NOT forget my meds. Seriously. Woke up with that headache and am all sorts of groggy and shit. Also can't reach my project partner and haven't been able to since fucking Wednesday. We both have the bout of seasonal oh fuck I don't want to do anything thing going on and I'm beginning to worry she flaked on me. I did part one of the assignment - she did part two and was supposed to hand it in. Without confirmation, I'm getting antsy! I trust her, I adore her but I. Need. Confirmation.

I tried to reintroduce the bunnies this weekend and it's just not going to happen, that much is certain. Broddi is just mean. Boo and Pip have stopped the bickering, they no longer freak out and fight each other if they smell him, in fact they were just perfect little bunnies who could have made a new friend. But no. He just wanted to dominate and bite and be a vicious little hellhound bunny so yeah... he gets no friends. This is going to be tricky!

Shit he was neutered MONTHS ago, you'd think he'd mellow out! D:

My favorite game is snoozing, everyone is quiet, big plots coming up and I just hope people will be there for them. In the meantime I'll be in PSL land, gimme a call when February is over.

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